I’m the furthest thing from a strip club guy. It’s never been my cup of tea and honestly I don’t think it ever will be. I was lucky enough to make it out of the club alive after my first time being inside one, slapping all of the dancers ass’s on stage in a place that is forbidden. I was lucky to walk out of there on my own. I prefer more of a physical connection with someone, which is why I’m not a fan of the clubs. I want that real thing, that thing were you can hold hands and smack each other’s ass with no problems. You can’t have that kind of relationship at the strip clubs.

Essential strip clubs are like some of those fancy art exhibits. You’re only allowed to look with your eyes and that’s impossible for me to obey. I’d rather spend my money on a night out with dinner hoping to get lucky than blowing it all at the club just for some eye contact.

But when my buddy was getting married and they invited me to go to the club with them I couldn’t say no. Regardless of how I felt about them I had to be out there with the boys. I cashed out a couple bill for some ones and followed their lead inside. We vibed at our table being treated like stars all night. Some of the guys were blowing their money in the back but I wasn’t interested in that. I was more concerned with how these girls lived their lives in this fast lane.

Instead of asking them for a dance when they walked by I’d interrogate them on love. “Do you believe in love, or “Can you be a monogamist?” and even “Have you ever been in love before?” The only reason why I started spending my money that night was so my conversation didn’t have to end with the dancer while she was hanging out with me.

The best thing that happened that night was that we left our table and headed for the stage. If we were there all night I would have been kicked out for causing the girls to lose money by hanging out with me. We took our whole party and surrounded the main stage with cash in our hands, eager to throw it all for whoever came out next.

At least they did. All I cared about was finding whoever was curating the playlist blasting through the place. The unwritten rule about being at the front of the stage slipped my mind. If you’re standing there you’re basically obligated to throw your money. I was too busy dancing and vibing along with the music. I didn’t throw a single dollar.

The dancer took notice of me ignoring her as I danced with myself. She took it personally and asked me “Aren’t you going to throw some money for me baby?” I heard what she said but I didn’t care. I wasn’t there for the girls. I was there to have a good time and that was it.

“Here…” I proceeded to give her about half of the cash I had. “How bout I dance for you this time and you throw the money at me?” I closed my eyes and didn’t realize I became the only person dancing inside the entire club. Everyone stopped what they were doing. Drinks weren’t being poured, girls weren’t dancing, and money wasn’t being thrown, not even on me.

I changed the whole demographic of the club. The bouncer was the first to react to me and before the dancer could throw any of my money back onto me I was being tossed out of the club like a dollar bill. My friends enjoyed the rest of their night inside as they should have. I waited outside for them with all of my money still in my pocket (minus the forty dollars I gave the dancer to rain on me) and had the epiphany that the strip club is no place for a guy like me.