I complained just the once at the beginning of the pool season to my brother about our apartment and the lack of cannonballs in our pool. There’ve been plenty of kids jumping into the deep end doing three sixties and all sorts of these different tricks to create these crazy waves. Every which way but a cannon ball. Even the older kids like my age or so don’t even cannon ball. No one has ever leaped into the water, while hugging their legs to their chest in hopes of creating the biggest splash one person can physically ever create… a cannon ball.

One of those kids must have had some sort of super sonic hearing by the pool and heard me bad mouthing them from the furthest point of the pool deck from where they were. I swear ever since that day it’s felt like every kid in our apartment have this vendetta against me. Each time one of them gets to the pool while I’m there gives me this stare down as they follow their mom to the seats by the pool. This time they brought two fingers to their eyes as if saying, “I’m watching you. Without even opening their mouths I could hear the words they didn’t say, “Look at me, I’m the captain now. This is our pool.”

I’ve never did anything to provoke any on myself aside from telling my brother and no one was around. Unless my brother somehow ratted me out, but that’s impossible, he would never do. I just didn’t understand where this all came from. Once the kids got in the pool in the low end with their mom, they quickly ditched her and slowly swam all the way to the deep end staring me down the whole time. The younger kid looked like he was drowning but kept on grilling at me even if it meant the expense of his life. I was actually worried about him, which kind of made me more terrified of them that he didn’t stop.

They then climbed out of the pool and started showing off their moves jumping in the pool getting everyone their attention. I couldn’t take it anymore, they were taunting me, I had to prove my dominance of this pool or at least show some self dignity and show them how to properly jump into a pool. As soon as I stood up, they got out of the pool and give me the respect I deserved. They stepped back from the pool to give me the entire deck so I could jump into the pool. I took one step, leaped the highest I’ve ever leaped before in my life, hugged my legs to my chest as hard as I could, and splashed some respect on these kids for glaring at me the way they did.

I didn’t erupt from the pool ready to taunt them or celebrate by splashing like Michael Phelps did in the Olympics, I just simply gave them the same look they gave me as when they walked in, putting them back into their proper place. I brought my fingers to my face just as they did and spoke the same unspoken words they said to me earlier, “Look at me, I’m still the captain.” And if I’m being honest, at that moment, I felt like a king. I spent the rest of that day sitting there at the end of the pool as if I owned the place because in that moment after showing up those kids, it sure felt like it.

I shit you not the very next day, when I was down at the pool again, someone stepped to me again. It was this sweet little girl that was jumping in the pool having the time of her life. A friend of mine in our building was at the pool, unbeknownst as far as what had happened to me yesterday, and proceeded to antagonize this little girl asking her if she knew how to do a cannonball. Then he began to say to her, “He thinks he has the best cannon ball in the building, but honestly I think yours is better.” Completely throwing me into the same hole I was stuck in yesterday.

As soon as he said that she jumped into the pool. Unlike the kids from the other day before, she swam from the deep end of the pool over to me in the shallow end staring me down the entire time. When she finally made it close enough to our group she stopped and waited for me to come over to her. When I finally got to her she whispered just loud enough for me to hear and asked, “Do you wanna have a cannonball contest?”

She asked me so politely there was no way I could say no to her. I obliged and followed her up the steps out of the pool and back to the deep end so we could settle this cannonball dispute once and for all. I leaped in there and leaped perfectly into the air. My cannonball was far better than the one I had yesterday, I could feel it. When I resurfaced from the water some of my friends were even clapping for me and my splash. I couldn’t see how big the splash was but if those massive waves were any hint I bet it was huge, I don’t mean to brag or anything. Then it was her turn to go, before she jumped into the pool she looked around the deck as if to try and steal as much of everyone’s attention as she could before she leaped into the pool and humiliated me.

As soon as her splash erupted from the pool everyone exploded in cheers for her splash. She was the clear winner and there was no denying it… I lost. I had to do the swim of shame all the way from the deep end back to the low end back to my friends while she was giving me the same stare down that the boys gave me yesterday. Then I thought to myself, do these kids have some sort of an alliance with each other? Do these kids have phone cups and strings connecting all of their rooms throughout the apartment so they could talk about how they could win back the pool against me? Is that what they do while we’re all asleep? She gave me the same stare down those little boys had and seemed to have the same vendetta against me as they did. I knew I was in trouble right there.

Before I could even wrap my head around as to why these kids were picking on me, she didn’t stop there, the stare wasn’t enough. She swam back over to me and asked me just as politely as she did the first time, “Do you wanna have another competition?” Again she pressured me into saying yes to another cannon ball competition. I went first again hoping to set the tone and intimidate her a little bit and thought I had a perfect cannonball, but when I came up to silence I was instantly embarrassed. It must have been a terrible cannonball.

She didn’t stall at all this time for anyone’s attention anymore, all eyes were on already watching her embarrassing me in a cannon ball competition for the second time. Her jump was flawless, the people loved it, and I was completely embarrassed. All I wanted to do was run back to my apartment and hide but she wasn’t having that.

The boys must have talked to her through the cups last night and told her what had happened yesterday and she was taking no sympathy for me. She challenged me to a third round in another way I couldn’t refuse but expressed to her that this was my last time I would jump. I couldn’t take the belittling any longer. A man can only take so much public embarrassment. This time she wanted to go first and prove her superiority to me by setting the tone with her splash. I watched her splash in awe and when her splash spray got me wet on the side of the pool, I knew that I had no shot of beating her cannonball. Unless I somehow found some way to bring out my absolute best.

I took two steps back from the pool so I could two stepped into the pool. I know I got higher than I ever have before and was confident with my leap, but instantly regretted it as soon as my ass hit the water and my balls got pushed all the way back up into my stomach. I spent an extra second underwater doing everything I could to gather myself together, burying the pain, so I do look like such a nincompoop in front of the entire apartment complex.

I emerged from the water, congratulated her on her victory and prayed that she and the boys were going to finally leave me alone now. If they want to run the pool they can have it, just leave me alone I can’t take it anymore. I went back to my friends in agonizing pain. As soon as I turned to them it sounded like I had just sucked some helium out of a balloon. They were the only people I could admit it to about how bad that cannonball ball hurt. I couldn’t let that little girl know she beat me both mentality and physically.

I’m done messing with these kids here, they’ve bullied me worse then the ones in Step Brothers that made them eat the white shit. I’m going to do everything I can to avoid them and any conflict. Kids if you’re somehow reading this, I’m sorry for being a dick at the pool, I was only trying to seem cool in front of my friends since I’m the one that usually gets bullied. I figured it was my turn to be the bully, turns out I’m flat out I’m not a bully. I just get bullied by anyone and everyone and apparently of any age. I’m sorry guys, let’s just do cannonballs together and have ourselves a grand ole wave pool together. They say wave pool therapy is the best new therapy out there. Let’s give it a try.