What’s Your Snapple Fact?

I pretend to be smart, pretentious if you would. I watch documentaries and recite everything I heard from them as if they’re my own “fun facts” for days. It’s not me being smart in any sense of the way. The only thing I’m doing I’ve proved is how well I can retain information for about a week long. Hence why I’ve been able to do so well on tests in school.

My girl thinks she’s slick. I won’t deny that she is far more knowledgeable when it comes to cooking and vegetables in general, so I tend to listen to her when she speaks. If she thinks I need to cut up another piece of garlic I’ll believe it, if she thinks I need to add a little more sugar, you can bet your last dollar I’ll be adding some sugar. I’ll stump her with stupid dumb facts that you’ll never need to know while she fills my brain with cooking advice turning me into a Master Chef.

She’s slick, but she’s not smart enough to sneak any ole “fact” by mean. Yeah I’lltake her advice with cooking stuff but when she tries to slip some random facts about animals or history I have to fact check them. I’ll admit every now and then she throws me for a loop and wows me, but not anymore.

Just the other day she insisted I buy these yellow kiwis because she heard they were “healthier for you.” This was her forte, if she said they were healthier for you who was I to question her. It was a fun fact I planned on using the next day at work… once. That night her late night snack wasn’t ice cream like it always is but instead it was that yellow kiwi she was so passionate about. Something she couldn’t help but reiterate it.

“Did you know that yellow kiwi’s have almost double the amount of vitamin C?” A more concrete fact than just saying they’re healthier so I had to believe. I was not in position to question her the first time she brought it up and now hearing her use numbers and nutritions facts, I had no reason to disbelieve it.

Circle back three hours later, after she went to bed and I finally made my way to the kitchen to shut off the lights and see the kiwi’s container sitting on the counter. In an act to preserve their ripeness for her, put the cover on the package, and went to put them back in the fridge.

I opened the fridge and had to move the eggs out of her way to make room for her fruit when I finally saw the label for the first time. It read; “Yellow Kiwis, nearly twice the amount of vitamin C then a regular kiwi.” in big bold letters you could read it from across the supermarket. I’ve been bamboozled.

There I was believing that all these things she was telling me were things she learnt on her own. Things she knew. I had no idea that she was just spending another thirty seconds longer than me reading a label on a box finding something obscure to mention. This whole time I have given her credit for teaching me something new on her aspirations to become more knowledgeable, just to be utterly and completely disappointed to see that she was only reading to me the labels in our fridge.

The only good thing that has come from all of this disappointment and heartbreak is now I know exactly what I can get her for her birthday. It seems like all she needs is a 365 day calendar with a new fact every day so she can be as pretentious as I am, wowing all of our friends with a stupid fact that no one even cares to know about.

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