People go away to relax. That was exactly what I had intended to do when I planned to go up to Maine. The itinerary consisted of nothing but great times with some good company simply relaxing together. There were trails to hike, beers to drink, and smores to roast on the campfire for us all weekend long. I was going away to find that euphoria.

I found it instantly. Unpacking wasn’t even the first thing we wanted to do. We saw the waterfall in front of the house and it became our first priority. We stepped over stick bugs, ants, and grasshoppers, careful not to step on them eagerly racing to dip our feet in the fresh waterfall. Me being the caboose felt like I was the one that had to mark our territory with these bugs and gave one of them a piece of my mind. I told them that this was our world now and he was just living in it and proceeded on to the waterfall.

It was beautiful. There we were standing at the foot of a waterfall with no one around us. We were miles from anyone that lived nearby and felt like we had our own little section of Maine all to ourselves. Neither of us could speak, neither of us wanted to, the only sound we heard was the calming sound of the water crashing onto itself. We were floating on cloud nine together and we hadn’t even unpacked yet.

Before we spent the rest of our night sitting by the waterfall we figured we should unpack. I led the way back out, meeting my ole little Katydid back on the street after I had just put him in his place. With my friend behind me I figured it was a chance to stand my ground to this bug and officially claim our territory. I circled him once, talking smack to him the entire time, letting him know I was about it, you know.

I looked away for a second, gloating to my friend about how he didn’t want any of this smoke, still taunting him as I turned back to face him. I had no idea these things could understand English. As soon as I crossed the line with my words, saying something about his mother, this leaf looking bug thing jumped on my leg evading my kick of self defense causing me to kick myself in the calf.

I took that personally. There was no way I was going to be humiliated by a freaking insect like that. I stood my ground to face him straight up, ready to stomp his brains in. Just when I thought I had him lined up he sprung from the ground again this time landing on my face. I think he just did that to piss on me and hop off. I don’t know if bugs can pee, but my cheek was wet after he embarrassed me like that.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I ran to the house and never went down to the river again that weekend. It was clearly that bug’s territory and I wasn’t capable of fighting him for it. He embarrassed me. It was like he was this Bruce Lee insect of Maine. Even with me being a human I didn’t stand a chance against him. That fucking thing scared me so much he had me made me running back to the house like a little bitch. I’m just happy there isn’t any video proof of it.