I understand now why my brothers don’t like going out with me. When I drink too much I tend to turn into a real asshole and I see why they get so annoyed with me. I guess it took me a night out without either of them as my security blanket to realize it but… I’m such an asshole when I’m drunk. I truthfully have no idea why people still want to hangout with me.

I like to think I’m fun to be with at the beginning of the night. At least from what I can remember of my nights. When I get just enough of a buzz I will always find the dance floor. Drunk Troy loves to dance and even if there isn’t a dance floor he’ll find a way to make one and that is exactly where you’ll find me for the rest of the night. Dancing is my favorite thing to do, I break out all the moves when I’m out there. You’ll see me hit them with the q-tip, the shopping cart, and if I’m feeling frisky enough I’ll even drop a shimmy on them. Drunk Troy finds his home out there on the dance floor and that’s one of the best Troys you’ll find.

But that’s the problem, it’s a fine line between Drunk Troy and Masshole Troy. It’s easy to tell when things go south. I go from dancing having fun, to dancing and intentionally bumping into everyone around me creating havoc on the dance floor. Once you see me start bumping people, please do us all a favor and take me home immediately. That’s my queue to leave.

If you miss this tell, you’ve got yourself a long night ahead of you peeking over your shoulder looking out for me all night. I have this tendency of bumping into and getting confronted by everyone I hit while I “dance.” I quickly suck the electricity from the dance floor and leave it with nothing but hostility. Anyone and everyone that’s out there on the floor could sense it. It typically gets to the point where everyone on the dance floor is giving me the stink eye, hoping I stay far away from them. Take me home right away, otherwise you’re going to be stuck with Masshole Troy.

Masshole Troy loves to instigate anything and everything he can. If you unfortunately acknowledge me when I bump into you on the dance floor, I will continue to bump into you and wind up talking your ear off. Sometimes people don’t enjoy me bumping them while they’re out there on the dance floor and become confrontational, which in that case, I spend the rest of my night talking myself out of a fight.

The worst thing that Masshole Troy does is that I become infatuated with tall people. I don’t care if it’s a man or woman, if I see someone towering over the crowd, living in a different frequency, it becomes my one and only priority to find out how tall they actually are. I find them at the bar or the dance floor and ask them some cliche line like, “How’s the weather up there?” and follow it up by asking how tall they truly are. Some of them dodge the question and ask me how tall I am, so whenever they ask I always say that I’m 5’12”.

I’m not sure why but for some reason me saying I’m 5’12” always seems to start a conflict. It’s usually at this point in the night I”m already blacked out and have forgotten the past few hours and most definitely won’t remember the next eight hours of my life. If you’re out and you ever see me on the dance floor just be on the lookout for Masshole Troy because he’s only a couple drinks away. If you see me talking to the tallest guy in the bar, take me home.