I have a terrible bladder. As quickly as it takes for gravity to push all the water I drink through my system is how long it takes me to have to go to the bathroom to piss. It comes out just as quickly as it comes in for me and there’s no taming it. It gets even worse when I start drinking. I’d be going to the bathroom so much you’d think I was hitting the slopes or had diarrhea or something.

It’s an annoying trait of mine for sure, but it’s one I’ve adapted to dealing with. I’ve learned that as long as I can keep my mind occupied on thinking of anything else but running to the bathroom to pee I’ll be good. I can hold a piss in all day long as long as I’m busy or my mind is occupied. Honestly most work days are so crazy I don’t even stop to piss during the day. Sometimes I only piss three times a day, when I wake up, when I get home in the shower, and lastly before I go to bed. Which may be why my stream comes out like water out of a firehose

The problem only surfaces when I finally get myself into a bathroom. I fought for the life of me to hold my pee in one extra second longer so I could unbutton my pants and pull out my lunch box to piss. It’s annoying in toilets, my stream smashes into the toilet water in the bowl and can normally be heard from two blocks away. My pee comes out of me faster and harder than any normal person does. Even more embarrassingly it echoes throughout the entire bar or restaurant or house I’m at. It’s wicked embarrassing walking out of the bathroom and having everyone staring at you strictly because they all just heard me piss for thirty six seconds straight.

I have to be the worst guy in the world that has ever pissed at a urinal. Those splash pads don’t do a damn thing to prevent splash. If anything all they do is act as a spring loaded backboard and increase the distance of the splash in the pissah. It’s been my biggest Kryptonite and my most embarrassing trait.

Every time when I piss, the way I do at one of those urinals, it never fails to splatters off of the splash pads and back onto my pants. I guess my pee comes out with such a high velocity that it can’t be confined to just the urinal, the splash pad can’t tame it, and it results in me being completely covered in piss each time I leave the bathroom. My jeans looked like I had just run through the rain, leaving little drops of pee all over my thighs and crotch area. I can’t piss in public without making a fool of myself.

I either piss on myself or scare people off with how long I pee every time I use a bathroom. I’ve recently become insecure with myself about going to the bathroom in public like I’m not just talking about pooping. Before I wouldn’t even think about sitting down in a public bathroom to take a shit. Now I don’t even think I’ll take a piss there. I’d rather go pull off on the side of the road and do the good ole two door trick.

The real kicker about all of this is, I always forget to zip up my zipper. Once I go to the bathroom once, my fly is going to be down the rest of the night I can guarantee you that. I never remembered to zip that thing up.