Isn’t it like an ole omen or something that when a bird shits on you it means you’re due good luck. Well up until about two hours ago I have spent the entirety of my life avoiding being shit on and in all honesty I’ve done an immaculate job till today. It was the first time anyone or something has ever shit on me.

I’ve been able to avoid holding babies at the wrong time and prevent them from shitting on me by strategically not holding babies until they’re potty trained. I’ve avoided all the girls that have asked me to shit on them or asked if they could shit on me, by quickly removing myself and ending those nights before anything happens. But today was unavoidable.

It was too nice of a day outside for me to sit in the truck and sweat my balls off as I closed out my job. So instead I took my iPad out of the car and started walking around the front yard typing in my notes enjoying what I could of this beautiful day. As I was circling to go back to the truck I felt, what I thought was the warmest rain drop I’ve ever felt, fall onto my shoulder.

Initially all I thought was that the rain from this sun shower was wicked warm, but when I finished typing my notes and actually looked at my bicep, it was dripping in this green, chunky, liquid, down my arm. I was frozen with disgust and confusion and could only stare at it for the first few seconds processing how this happened. Did this bird just shit on me? I looked up and I was completely covered by trees. This bird had to be flying extra low beneath the trees to hit me, The bird had to have a vendetta against me or something because it had to go out of it’s way to hit me.

Frustrated, filthy, and annoyed, I changed my shirt, cleaned off my arm, and I headed straight to the gas station to test out this so-called good luck you get from a bird shitting on you the only way I know how. I went in there and bought my second scratchy of my life, hoping for this good luck to actually pan out.

I walked out of there glowing, knowing that behind all these unscratched numbers was some cash waiting for me on this lucky day of mine. I was quickly disappointed and overcome with disappointment. I remembered exactly why I never wasted my time buying scratchies… I got nothing. Nothing but twenty dollars thrown in the trash.

When I got home after that debacle of testing my luck, I went to buy some tickets for the Celtics game that night. A fairly simple and elementary process for the most part. I’m sure a six year old could do it. But not for me, nope, I just got shit on by a bird, failed on a scratchy, and couldn’t even buy tickets to the game. Whoever went around saying it means good luck to get shit on by a bird is full of shit and was probably only saying that to make himself seem cool for walking around with bird shit in his hair.

I went to go to my email to check my confirmation and to get my tickets, and again was hit with bad luck for the third time today. StubHub had locked out my account for some arbitrary reason, took my money, and had made it impossible for me to buy tickets for the game. On top of that, I won’t be able to use StubHub for three days, I won’t get my money back for another two, and now I’m scared to leave my house with all this bad luck that has been happening to me ever since I got shit on.

I can confirm for those of you at home that if a bird shits on you there is nothing good about it. It actually makes way more sense that if you get shit on by a bird you’re going to have bad luck. I mean I walk under ladders all day long, I can’t tell you how many mirrors I’ve broken, and have complained about bad luck before in my life. The only time I had a day where things just weren’t going my way was today when a bird shit on me.