I Hate Urinals

I’ve grown up terribly insecure about my lunchbox. I never have been secure about it and I don’t think I ever will. It will always haunt me in the back of my mind that there’s something out there better than mine. I strive myself to be the best at the things I do. I have never been able to settle for anything, I always want to be the best.

Unfortunately my tool was all I had. There was nothing I could do to change it or improve it, it was all I had. I’ve been lucky enough that no one has said anything about needing improvement or talked negatively about it in front of me. I guess that’s kind of settling.

When I was a kid, as soon as I learned exactly what it was and what it was used for, it was like I instantly became insecure. I can pinpoint that day as the day my anxiety kicked in. I was in our bathroom on the second floor, it was our only bathroom with a shower for a family of six. That’s another story. We had one window in that bathroom and it stressed me out to the max. I stayed in that shower with the curtain closed until I was dried off and the towel was tied around my waist. I just always heard this little voice inside me telling me that someone was out that window making fun of me. I was traumatized.

Then one day I was pantsed in high school and that open whole new world of embarrassment and self shame that I was completely ignorant too. I remember we were standing around our teachers island. Their desk were elevated a step higher then the floor and had this four foot high wall that surrounded them. I was standing there with a couple of my friends talking to one of our teachers when all of a sudden a kid in my class pantsed me. He pantsed so hard he pulled down my underwear too, in front of the entire shop. I was mortified, I couldn’t have picked up pants quick enough. I just stood their quietly just thinking about all the jokes they were cracking about my wood the rest of the day.

I can’t even take a piss at one of those sensor urinals without taking the first fifteen seconds telling myself, ” It’s alright you can pee now. No one’s behind that sensor watching you’re willy waiting for it’s last drop to flush.” I’ve grown so insecure about my manhood I’ve connived myself that there’s someone back there on a computer laughing at my junk while I pee.

If you see me taking too long at a urinal how bout give me some words of encouragement like, “You got this.” or, “Nice schlong you got there fella.” As opposed to, “Hurry the fuck up.” or “Geez I didn’t know it was that cold in here.” That’s all… it’s hard enough as it is.

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