I don’t think anyone saw this coming. Everything seemed to be developing so slowly up until the trade was actually finalized. Boston gave up me and Dan in return for Kemba and Cam from Charlotte in a two for two trade. In all honesty it may be the steal of the century. Boston made out like a bandit on this deal. Poor Charlotte on the other hand is now stuck with two degenerates who spend all their time drinking, gambling, and chasing girls. We bring absolutely nothing to the table. I don’t know what they’re thinking accepting this absurd trade.

My brother and I each got phone calls, about a year ago from the Governor himself, Charlie Baker. He was curious if, these were his words exactly, “For the sake of the Commonwealth, would you guys consider living in Charlotte for us?” He wasn’t going to tell us anymore about this plan of his unless we signed the confidentiality contract and agreed to move. All it took was one look at each other between my brother and I, and without saying a word we both lunged for the pens and signed the paper.

Baker then filled us in on the “dealio” again his words. He told us that he’s been talking to his good friend Roy Cooper and how he’s excited about his rapidly growing city of Charlotte. He was looking for two of Boston finest young lads to help populate his growing city. For some reason the state of Massachusetts thought we should represent them, I don’t know why they picked us, I don’t even have a thick Boston accent which is like kind of expected from us.

Baker informed us that they planned on letting both Kryie Irving and Tom Brady walk away once their seasons over. So to stay on top of TitleTown, Boston wanted to steal both Kemba Walker and Cam Newton in exchange for my brother and I with Charlotte. Hence the confidentiality agreement, it took over a year for it to finally pan out.

In no way can we compare to Cam and Kemba in anything. We probably couldn’t even beat them in corn hole or ladder ball, simple backyard games I’ve spend as many hours playing as they’ve spent training to be professionals athletes, I’m got nothing to offer. Boston without a doubt won this trade on paper, but the real winners after this whole thing was my brother and I. Part of the deal was they put us up, all expenses paid in a brand new city that barley sees an inch of snow a year. All we had to do was watch Good Will Hunting and The Departed for a year in preparation perfecting our Boston accents for when we finally moved.

The hardest part about all this was acting surprised when Kyrie walked away and Brady going to the Bucs. It already broke our hearts so long ago when we actually found out it, we were so numb to it when it actually happened. And we were probably at the bar sitting in the sun with an ice cold beer when the news broke, we must have missed it. It’s hard to be upset at the bar when you still have the best sports city in the world. Tom we’ll see you in February, thanks for the new place.