Sharting

I was always so shocked to hear that grown men, people I work with, people I know, still accidentally shit their pants at work. I totally understand sometimes we have some wet farts that aren’t sure about, but I’ve always been able to tame my farts. I thought everyone could. One guy at work told me how he sharted on his way into work while he was in traffic. Immediately, he got off the next exit and turned around to go home during peak rush hour to change his underwear. He had to call his boss to tell him honestly, “Ahh I just had an accident, I shit my pants. I have to go home and change then I’ll be there.”

I was baffled it happened to so many people. I made fun of them for it. Truthfully it was the last time I ever made fun of someone, but I just couldn’t believe it was still happening to grown ass man. Inevitably, karma found me, right when I started my new job in a new city. It may have been my third month at work, I remember my benefits just started kicking in, and I was starting to settle in. I was getting up to run a few jobs, just like I was doing back home.

It was a cold brisk morning so I had to wear my long johns under my pants to stay somewhat warm. I had to work on a lift that day, I knew it was going to be a lot windier up there, thirty feet in the air. My stomach has been all fucked up since I moved down here and my shit schedule was all over the place. I blame all the barbecue I’ve been eating it’s messing me up. I tried to force one out before work, but my body just wasn’t cooperating with me and would’t dispose of any waste.

Finally when I got to work, I got the ground guy all set up with everything we would need before I headed up on the lift. It took me about fifteen minutes to positioned myself in the lift to, moving around cars, and street lights, just to get where I needed it to be. I reached over the edge and started taking some measurements for our pipe run. Right when I stretched, I exerted myself too reaching with the tape measure and accidentally farted. I thought it was just a fart.

As soon as I farted I could feel my pants slowly getting warmer and a moister, and felt a sluggish drip starting to fall down my leg. It was a wet one there was no doubt about that. I immediately regretted it. I didn’t say anything to my ground guy. I just started coming down from the lift, with the saddest look of disappointment on my face. The ground guy didn’t say anything, I don’t know if it’s because he didn’t know what I was doing or if he saw the look on my face, but he just move in silence. When I finally laded the lift on the ground, I had to make things worse when I to bent over to get out of the lift, smearing the mess in my pants all over the rest of my cheeks. I told him the only way I could, “I think I just shit my pants. I’m gonna run to the bathroom and check it out.”

It dispersed itself over the rest of my ass and part of my leg while I struggled to take the harness off for the lift. Overtime I moved I could feel it getting worse down there. I than had to penguin walk almost six hundred feet before I made it to the bathroom. My karma was really waiting to come around on this one. It felt like Karma was budding this up for awhile. I almost puked myself when I pulled down my pants inside the bathroom stall. My underwear was completely ruined. My “fart” leaked through it and even contaminated the inside of my long johns. It was kind of bittersweet, I had worn my good pair of long johns, hence they prevented it from spreading to my pants, but at the horrible cost of having to throw them away, with my underwear. I also wasn’t sure if you are supposed to wear underwear under your but I’m sure glad I did.

I was in the bathroom for about fifteen minutes freshening up and wiping my ass clean. I had to sneak out, with the boys hanging pant less, to wet some paper towels to help with my clean up. I went back outside, commando style, put harness the back on, and proceeded to do my job like nothing happened. I shamefully admitted to the ground guy what happened when I got back and he got a kick out of it. I kept warning him to be careful laughing at me, “It can happen to you too.” Now I sounded like everyone that I was making fun of before. I guess it can happen to anyone.

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