Have you thought about calf implants?

It started as a little joke, I was just looking for a way to mess with my younger brother. I wouldn’t necessarily call him a meathead yet but as of recently he’s showed signs that he’s in preliminary stages of becoming one. To quote him verbatim, he once said, “I have to walk sideways through the front door at the gym. I’m too big now to walk in normally.” That’s when I knew I had to do something, I had to put him in his place, and knock him down from his pedestal. I have to give credit when credit is due and he does look good. He dropped something like ten to fifty pounds around there maybe, I’m not certain, I don’t think I ever asked. I can never gauge someones weight loss, nor would I be able to see his improvement since we shared a room. I had to see him everyday I couldn’t tell how well he was doing. He was getting confident and I had to know him off his big horse. I had to go after what he loved most, his calves. They were his pride and joy, he loved wearing shorts solely so he could show them off and he could talk about them.

My brothers and I are all huge Entourage fans. There was one episode that kind of inspired me. Jonny Drama, who is arguable the best tv character ever created, was insecure about his calves. He goes as far as to asking his brother to pay for his calf implants. He’s that insecure, t’s hilarious, and was somehow inspiring.

From then on every time I’d see my brother in shorts or heard him talking about his calves I’d tell him, “I think your calves are uneven. It looks like your right one is slightly bigger than your left.” The first time I said it to him, he turned around, quicker than I’ve ever seen him move in my life, and stared flexing his calves, in various ways, in the reflection of the glass sliding door.

“No way, look at these babies, you should see them when I have socks on.” He’d come home from the gym everyday full of confidence after his leg days. He bee strutting around the house with his chest out high, flaunting his calves bragging about how big they are. He clearly takes pride in them. They seemed to boost his ego and I need to lower that significantly.

I was persistent, I had to be it was the only way it would work. Every time he brought up his calves or I could see them I’d remind him how awkward he looked. I knew that he wouldn’t believe me now, or tomorrow, but I knew it would snowball if I stayed on him about them. It was only a matter of time before I got some of my siblings and cousins to chime into the joke and they started harassing him, “Dude do you only work out one calf?” or “ Do you use one leg to step up the stairs?” He was teased, tortured, and tormented by all of us now and I loved it. He couldn’t escape it.

It got to the point, that from time to time I’d see him checking out his calves and not praising them like he used to. He’d just flex them in the glass door without saying a word. I’m not sure who worked harder at this, he non stop worked out his calves hoping to shut me up and I could never shut up telling him how unproportional they looked.

It wasn’t until three or four years later, after I first started this joke, he finally caved. I won’t forget it. He called me, he never calls me, usually I’m the one blowing up his phone leaving him voicemails and sending him multiple texts at once. But this one day he called me to say “I think you’re right. I think my left calf is actually smaller than my right.” I had to mute my phone for a second while he continued on so I could basked in my moment of glory. I lost it, I couldn’t stop laughing. It was at that moment all my hard work and dedication had finally paid off. I did it, I finally made him insecure about his calves just like Johnny Drama was. I could barley speak I was laughing so hard, “I’ve been telling you that for years.” muted my phone again to gather myself then said, “You have to hurry and get on it before people notice, it’s almost summer time. I wouldn’t want to be wearing shorts out if I was you.” His response was short and sweet, “I know thats why I’m calling you, you’re right I’ve been slacking. I have to work on them and make them symmetrical.” and hung up. I wish I had recored the phone call. There was so much sorrow in his voice, it was almost heartbreaking.

So if you see him in shorts, check out his calves. I’m willing to bet that his left calf is now in fact bigger than his right, since he’s been favoring it for some time now. It’s not a joke anymore, his calves may actually be uneven.

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